Why women withdraw

Original post: August 1, 2008; update: January 30, 2010. Still holds true. 🙂

A while ago, Yeti posted a blog on “Why Men Withdraw.” Apparently, it’s one of the most-read entries on her site. Apparently, women would like to know why men withdraw or become distant or whatever. Well … I’m almost certain that it works the other way as well. Whether it’s because of the gradually-diminishing distance between perceived gender roles in Western society, or maybe just because we’re all human beings and we’re sometimes more similar than we think, women withdraw, too.

It’s a reality that can bemuse and bewilder, frustrate and foil. I know because I’ve spoken to friends who’ve had similar experiences to me: one moment, life couldn’t be more perfect and she couldn’t be more interested; the next moment (or the next week), you’re the last person in the world that she wants to see or hear or be around or know.

Maybe she has her own issues to work through. Maybe she likes you, but not quite that much (yet); (and maybe you need to give her time and space to work that out, or maybe you need to just give her time and space … for ever). Maybe she’s just coming out of a relationship and she’s not ready for another one. Maybe she just got really burned and is scared of getting hurt again. Maybe you’re not her type. Maybe she doesn’t know what her type is. Maybe she thinks she knows what her type is, and it isn’t you, but you think her type is really stupid. Maybe she’s just not that into you.

Or, on the flipside, maybe she has a history of doing this kind of thing and you need to steer clear of her. Maybe you’d be better off without someone who withdraws and doesn’t communicate why. Generally speaking, I’d agree that women are better communicators than men. But there are always exceptions. (I tend to meet all the exceptions. Which is awesome.)

In the end, my answer comes down to not knowing. It could be nothing. It could be something. It could be her. It could be you. It could be a disastrous development (and it often feels like it). It might be the best thing in the world to happen to you (even though it might take you the longest time to be able to understand that).

And then the question is “What do we do about it?” Or … “What can we do about it?” Again, I’m afraid I’m going to be as helpful as … well, something not very helpful. [On a side note, if you can come up with an analogy for something that’s helpful, maybe you’ll get a mention in my next blog. Yay.] It depends on the circumstance. It depends on you and where you’re at in life. It depends on her. It depends on how you interact with each other. And a hundred other things. I can’t give a blanket statement of advice; because with relationships, we’re dealing with people, and people are unpredictable.

So … sorry.

Your silken skin

Original post: June 20, 2008; update: January 29, 2010. A work of fiction.

Coldplay are singing in the background: It’s such a perfect day. Warm sunlight caresses my face. I close my eyes, and the sounds, the smells, the sensations of today transport me back to yesterday.

I turned my head and there you were; within arm’s reach yet so much closer. Your back to me; you’d been reading while I slept. The Time Traveler’s Wife. There was a tear in your eye. It was that kind of book.

I remember … and I wouldn’t want to change a thing.

Your blue-green eyes. Your lips trembling to hold a laugh in check. Your fingers that locked into mine like the final piece of the puzzle. Your silken skin.

Don’t you want to curve away when it’s such a perfect day?

Your honey-colored silken skin, the fine hairs on your arms, the freckles on your shoulders, the curve of your neck that I called home.

Now the sky could be blue. I don’t mind; without you it’s a waste of time.

When I was with you, I was at peace.

Without you I’m just miles away.

When I’m with you, I’m at peace. And sometimes, on days when I sit alone here with God, I wonder where you are …

Now I just need to find someone who’ll settle for me …

A study was conducted on the role physical attractiveness has on marriage:

Physical appearance plays a crucial role in shaping new relationships, but does it continue to affect established relationships, such as marriage? In the current study, the authors examined how observer ratings of each spouse’s facial attractiveness and the difference between those ratings were associated with (a) observations of social support behavior and (b) reports of marital satisfaction. In contrast to the robust and almost universally positive effects of levels of attractiveness on new relationships, the only association between levels of attractiveness and the outcomes of these marriages was that attractive husbands were less satisfied. Further, in contrast to the importance of matched attractiveness to new relationships, similarity in attractiveness was unrelated to spouses’ satisfaction and behavior. Instead, the relative difference between partners’ levels of attractiveness appeared to be most important in predicting marital behavior, such that both spouses behaved more positively in relationships in which wives were more attractive than their husbands, but they behaved more negatively in relationships in which husbands were more attractive than their wives. These results highlight the importance of dyadic examinations of the effects of spouses’ qualities on their marriages. (PsycINFO Database Record (c) 2009 APA, all rights reserved)

[Source: “Beyond initial attraction: Physical attractiveness in newlywed marriage.” By McNulty, James K.; Neff, Lisa A.; Karney, Benjamin R. Journal of Family Psychology. Vol 22(1), Feb 2008, 135-143.]

Conclusion: according to the study, if the guy’s less attractive, the marriage will be happier.

P.S. I think if the guy is willing to acknowledge or already knows he’s less attractive, you’ve got a keeper.

Originally found here.

Good hygiene gets girls

From the brilliant minds at Wong Fu Productions, a hilarious video providing some “advice” for guys looking to meet girls.

So that explains the — just kidding. 😉

A whirlwind romance, chaos and all

Here’s a short story I wrote back in October 2007 …

She was full of life and energy, a breath of fresh air, and she exploded into my life one summer. It wasn’t like my life was particularly boring or meaningless up till then, so when I say that she was a spark, it means that she really was. Quick-witted, quick to laugh, quick to become attached.

I fell fast. My dad used to say that we don’t ‘fall’ in love; we always have a choice about who we love. I don’t think we can choose or simply decide not to feel certain emotions, to feel certain ways—all we can do is decide what to do with those feelings and emotions. All I know is, the moment I saw her, I was in over my head. And that was the start of it.

She made me step outside of my comfort zone. Because of her, I’d do things I never thought I would—cast aside responsibilities far too tightly-gripped, act spontaneously, step out on a limb. Sometimes, when I had time to catch my breath, I’d wonder if I was becoming more or less myself. She challenged me, tested me, stretched me, with late-night conversations, penetrating comments accompanied by sly smiles while her eyes glittered with mischief. She made me feel completely comfortable in my skin for the first time in years. Every touch was intoxicating, every word inebriating, every laugh breathtaking. She was like no one I’d ever met.

I suppose the term for what happened would be a ‘whirlwind romance’. The ‘whirlwind’ part is especially apt: she came in without warning, stirred stuff up and threw it all around, and then left as quickly as she’d appeared. She said that I knew her so well that it scared her away. I never did understand that.

“Isn’t it a good thing to know someone well?” I asked.

“I’m complicated,” was all she said. But her smile wasn’t reflected in her eyes.

Isn’t it funny how a person can turn your world upside down and make you laugh, make you hurt? And yet that person may not be the one you spend the rest of your life with. Coz I’m realizing that if you open yourself up, there are lots of people who can turn your world upside down and make you laugh, make you hurt, and not be the one that you spend the rest of your life with. Maybe that’s just the way it is; maybe that’s just the way of life.

Before she left, I wrote her a letter and left it on her table. I don’t think I said those three words. But I meant them.

“You’ve captured my heart, dear friend. You looked at me, and I fell in love. One look my way and I was hopelessly in love.” (Song of Songs 4:9)

When you miss someone

Original post: January 20, 2008; update: January 20, 2010

It’s hard when you miss someone. It’s harder when you miss them more than you thought you would; when even though you know the ache is going to come, and you think you’re ready for it, you get hit by a moment where you just miss them.

You can try being busy with schoolwork; you can try drowning out the silence with the TV or with music; you can distract yourself with the Xbox 360; you can run yourself ragged playing soccer. But in the end, when you have a moment to yourself, that’s when it hits. And it hits hard.

But you’re supposed to be strong, right? Supposed to be able to laugh it off, to go out the next day and have a blast, to get on with your life. “Don’t be a downer. Cheer up.”

But it’s not that easy; and you just wish you had people to be there for you, to understand, to say that it’s okay to feel like crap, to just give you a big, long, drown-out-the-world-in-their-embrace kind of hug, to pray with you, to let you cry.

Coz when someone’s been a part of your life for that long, as close to you as they have been—sharing meals, conversations, laughs, cries, arguments, life stories, inappropriate jokes, inappropriate smells—it’s part of life to readjust to having a hole where they were. It’s mourning. And it’s right to mourn. It’s good to grieve such a loss.

And even though you’re going to see them again, maybe soon, maybe not, you know that it’s the end of an era, the end of a golden age.

All you can do is pray that God keeps doing what he does, and that the pain doesn’t last too long.

“The First Marriage”

Coming out in the next NY Times magazine, Jodi Kantor looks into Barack and Michelle’s relationship.